Month: June 2006

Disclaimer: I’m no expert on Italian flicks. I just got into them over the last few years, and still have yet to see a lot of important entries. Oddly enough, these have kind of helped lately while I’ve been working on writing a comedy; something far separated (in intention at least) from everything that’s been on my TV. If you can’t tell, I’ve sort of been on a kick:

I can only imagine what further movies in the by-name-only Zombi series would have turned out like. While Zombi 3 was pretty decent, it was a far cry from Fulci’s classic. However, I wouldn’t entirely blame the shitty parts of that movie on either Lucio Fulci or Bruno Mattei; I wouldn’t even say it was a combination. Fulci got sick and they were left with maybe 50 usable (read: remotely fun) minutes after editing, so Mattei came on to save it. The former had some well-constructed zombie moments and Mattei’s best contribution to the movie was the stuff with the men in white chasing and blasting away the remaining survivors. It’s definitely not a total pile of shit; the hotel scenes near the beginning are great.

The next entry is a slightly different story. I sort of like what I’ve seen of Claudio Fragasso’s work. I guess the odds of there even being much of a Zombi 3 without him would be pretty nil. Zombi 4: After Death is kind of grody in all the wrong ways, though. It’s got all the right ingredients but they don’t mix too well in execution. Voodoo black dude opening? Check. Military boys (or is that “boiz”?) shooting zombies in the face? Check. Unfortunately, it’s somehow mostly boring. I can only imagine how unwatchable the print was when it was released with most of the gore chopped out by the producer. Okay, not a great zombie flick, but far from the worst.

Zombi 5: Killing Birds is the worst. It’s not just the worst in this series, it’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Even Robert Vaughn as a former revenge killer rendered sightless by the pecking out of his eyeballs can’t make it worth seeing. I never turn movies off after starting them, but I almost did. Not only were there only a handful of zombies, there weren’t even really many birds! I at least expected someone to be killing birds or, more probable, packs of birds that kill people. Instead, they give you 90 minutes of a group of douchebags looking for a near-extinct woodpecker and getting stuck in a spooky house. When it’s put that way, it even sounds unwatchable by Scooby Doo standards.

I’ve also recently seen Joe D’amato’s Anthropophagus listed as Zombi 6: Monster Hunter†. If this is true, this would almost kill the landsliding quality of the films. Still, Anthropophagus isn’t all that great either. Aside from a few key moments it’s sort of a snoozer, but there are some things on the second disc of the DVD that still make it worth picking up for the low price Best Buy sells it for.

† Actually, it looks like that may be incorrect. Though names are typically fuck-all confusing, it might have been Rosso Sangue/Anthropophagus 2 that some note as Zombi 6. Anyone know?

I made a thread elsewhere about this, but I had to repost it here because it’s awesome and God what the fuck is wrong with me I’m becoming some psycho hermit:

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Wasps are really fucking gay and ugly. This dumbass flew in my kitchen and kept banging against the window like it was a way out. I felt kind of bad because he was obviously a retarded wasp, but this is my house, damnit (my folks, just like, um, rent it out from me, BRO). I offered him the chance of a lifetime. He was given, with no exception, five full minutes to exit through the now-open porch door.

He declined. So be it.

Like any man would, I went toe to toe with the fucked-up-looking beast. Although many of you know RAID only as a condiment, it is also a valuable weapon. I managed to land a perfect headshot and I watched it fall to and writhe in my sink for a few minutes, tapwater cascading over it like a final bath before execution. The toxins from the spray enveloped its body and seeped into each segment, closing off all quarters of its living functions.

Unfortunately for the local backyard wasp community, I had recently rewatched the anniversary edition of Cannibal Holocaust. So, ceremoniously, I mounted its carcass onto a “spear” and lodged it deep within a crack on my deck’s side-rail. I would have shoved it up its anus, but I couldn’t find it.

The results are not for the squeamish (click to enlarge):

One more pic.

1996-2006: Gyroid to Big Man Face: VHS to HD

It’s hard to believe BigWig Productions has been cranking ’em out for so long, but it must be believed. You must persevere!

In commemoration, here is the 10th anniversary special BigWig trailer! Please enjoy it!

Note: I’ve changed it to a newer version with full audio on all the clips; by popular demand, of course!

It’s interesting to see the path a night of well-intentioned writing work takes. Once the Pringles “pop” (and consequently “don’t stop”), the clock strikes an hour that makes the eyes heavy, lowering slowly to ‘changy chong’ slits fit only for retinal Pringle insertion like a bound and gagged obese man’s very own flesh vending machine.

Solution: Energy drinks; but not too little or just right– too much. Can’t concentrate on writing anymore, it’s too low on visual stimuli. Pop in some crusty movies. Watch Lamberto Bava’s Demons (which is pretty fucking wild) and follow it up with a 1am showing of the half-directed by Lucio Fulci semi-pile Zombi 3.

I shit you not, dreams yielded a zombified Michael Winslow getting blood on our script as he thumbed through and drooled teeth all over it.

Kamen Rider Kabuto better be awesome, because I’m spending a hell of a long time downloading it. Boukenger is still rad as hell. I’ve watched the first 11 episodes and the only bad one was the fifth. The latest story arch involved two monsters destroying and stealing the Daibouken, after which Boukenger brought in more armaments to make Super Daibouken and completely maul them (sounds like some garbage I would write, so I love it). Lots of action and CG is only used when necessary.

Despite Patrick’s early warning, I’m almost done downloading the Kamen Rider The First movie. I expect something terrible, but I couldn’t resist.

In other news, my enchantment with the Simple 2000 PS2 series is waning. I love Chikyuu Boeigun 2 and Zombie Vs. Ambulance is fun to pick up for a few minutes when I’m bored, but Onechanbara 2 just sucks all kinds of Zimbabwe elephant ass. The premise is almost indestructable: you run around the city as a hot biker broad slicing up zombies and crows with your katana or blasting them with a shotgun. There’s even this cool feature on the side; a sword meter that builds up the more you kill. I’m not sure what effect it has, but as you cut through the masses your sword drips more and more, and you can clean it off by air-swiping it Lone Wolf & Cub style.

Too bad the game controls like your enemies shamble. It’s hard to accurately run around and slice, you have to be standing still to shoot, and there’s not much incentive not to stand back from a horde and just target them all with your shotgun. A game like this should have some sense of urgency and move at a fast clip. Still, I guess that’s what you get with budget titles; rubber fucking biscuit.