Just got back from the Louisville/Middle Tennessee game, in which Louisville crawled away victoriously after putting on an borderline retarded defensive show. Any Kentucky players watching the game in preparation for next weekend’s rivalry showdown must have been absolutely salivating.
Here is a hot pic I snapped of UofL QB, Brian Brohm:
Mario Urrutia, right, stares longingly into Brohm’s eyes
The last few nights have found me trapped in the cruel arena of Robotron 2084, batting away lumbering machinations, brilliant psychic brainbots and the ricocheting gun blasts of the beep-bop-boop world’s most sinister denizens; all the while rescuing the hapless humans doomed to wander these hellish cages.
Let’s not sugar-coat the experience, though, Robotron is a game that was designed by huge assholes. The only thing it’s missing is a tinny, robotic laugh sound effect for whenever you die. Actually, forget it, that might end up being the insular metallic tubing that breaks the cargo-transport’s back.
What purpose does all of this will-shattering work serve? Who has ordered me into the very depths of our future’s cybernetic hades? The “score board” to which I am a slave leads me to believe in something much more sinister than the fate of the human race. It’s like Running Man mixed with 300, but you’re all alone; Gerard Butler in a really gay futuristic dance club outfit.
But even more sinister than this twisted world is the futility of mastering it. After all, this is the King of Robotron to which I must bow down and never usurp:
WWE Films Presents…
Rob Zombie’s take on Halloween is a pretty weak one, and I dug House of 1,000 Corpses and consider The Devil’s Rejects to be an, italics and all, American classic. Some parts were hilarious, like every line Malcolm McDowell uttered, while others were just bad. Not only did I hate the lame porker that played Lil’ Myers, but there’s a point at which too much information can be given about a character like this.
Take the 1978 original for example. The opening scene follows Michael, age 10 (?), as he murders his sister, all in first person. From there you essentially flash forward to his escape from confinement 15 years later, and a lot of the missing pieces are filled in by Dr. Loomis’ exposition. Fantastic; it’s an effective setup and it shows that Myers isn’t really supernatural but he’s still an enigmatic and intense force.
“Let me tell you what is transpiring in this movie, young girl!”
Zombie’s version, no matter which cut you watch, takes this and stretches it out over the first half of the movie. It’s slow and about as subtle as a knife to the face. They might as well chop out a half hour and explain that Michael was driven mad from being called “faggot” too much. After that, the last 40 minutes are pretty much a shot for shot remake of Halloween condensed for time, and you’ve seen that before, right?
It’s weird, because it’s stuck between two extremes and never really hits a sweet spot. The white-trash backstory made me feel like I was watching a slasher 8 Mile, but then it stops trying to be fresh and just rides it out like a louder version of Carpenter’s.
Here’s some positive things to end it on, though. Ken Foree’s brief but amazing role as Big Joe Grizzley deserves its own spinoff; to be honest, Donald Pleasance was also pretty wacky and had some funny-ass lines in the original; everything William Forsythe said was a complete riot; Danny Trejo as Myer’s bestest buddy; and, last but not least, the girls in this one don’t all look like they’re 35!
This All-J assault of the senses should serve as your morning coffee; or perhaps your afternoon tea, you silly poof! This week, Joe, Joseph and Jimmy talk about games, TV shows and softcore pornography!
Here’s a brand new documentary straight out of the Bigwig editing chambers! Quick setup: I showed Pat The King of Kong today and it gave us both a hankering for some arcade punishment courtesy of a giant ape. The following is our very own epic tale.
The Ding of Dong (YouTube)
The Ding of Dong (Stage6)
subhumanzoids 