Category: Comics

It’s no wonder that some TV games can’t manage to be as compelling as they were fourteen years ago. How is the consumer supposed to qualify an adventure as worthwhile when developers and publishers have completely abandoned the moniker of Super? In fact, game titles as a whole have become so vague. I think the last game that really told the people what it was about was Playstation’s Blaster Master: Blasting Again. The name says it all. Blaster Master is back, doing what he does best. Too bad the game was kind of gay.

Heck, I imagine that niche games like Tim Schafer’s brilliant Psychonauts could even survive resurrection in this cold world through a “super” renovation. But is there more to this type of game than an astounding adjective?

Of course!

First, the obvious: everything has to be bigger! I’m not just talking about larger turtles or heftier anvils, the world has to be all-consuming. If comic characters were judged on this basis, Galactus would not only earn a “Super” before his name, but his nipples would be terraformed colonies that the hero(es) would traverse by necessity.

Applying gimmicks to your game isn’t necessary when everything is considerably larger. To be safe, however, analysts would also recommend more frequent boss encounters, including but not limited to one sub-boss per level. These are just suggestions, though! It wouldn’t be “Super” if it wasn’t fun, so just imagine the most super fun thing ever and digitize it!

Placement is key. Take Treasure’s semi-recent GBA effort Gunstar Super Heroes. Are we supposed to classify this as a “super” game? Let’s not mince words, they goofed. This name just implies that the characters have graduated to a higher level of being, excluding the advancements the developers have made in the game. Am I going to be experiencing a Super Adventure? I wouldn’t know, they won’t tell me before I buy it!

Still, could million-sellers like Halo benefit from this? Would I be alone in line for or Super Halo or Super Grand Theft Auto?

Or will you join me!?

Since I firmly believe it will be the Next Big Thing™, I’m going to go ahead and coin a new term: Clay-Manifested Video Blogging. That’s right, kids, you read it here first. Now do yourselves a favor and check out this “TV spot” for an upcoming feature on The Joseph Luster Report.

John and I watched Heathers tonight, but the real gem that came from the meet-up is this flyer I made for his band’s next show.

The “Summit Brew” ales told a short story while John and I were watching Prison Break and 24, but I ignored it. Later on in my cave, the progressively nastier ice beer tall boys I had nabbed from the corner store completed the request. “Update the Jooooseph Luster Report,” they said, like some foul banshee in the dark.

I complied.

Lately I’ve been into something I call “Day-Games.” That’s a terrible term and I hate it, but I can’t think of a better way to describe a game that you can “solve” in the course of 24 hours (I think it’s charming when people use that term to say that they beat a game). Let’s get specific, though. A game that takes 24 hours to beat does not count as a Day Game. Actually, anything beyond 8-10 hours is really pushing it.

A man (or woman – haw haw), needs to be able to beat one of these when he’s not slaving away at whatever lame job he has. Of course, with my current luxury of “Flexible Hour” employment, this isn’t an issue. On the other hand, your average Handsome Man might find it implausible to solve something like Armed & Dangerous in a sitting (pussy).

Yesterday’s “Day Game” was a much-belated run through of Capcom’s 2001 “Resident Evil with Samurai” game Onimusha. I had been meaning to play this since it came out, but never got around to it. A couple of years ago it was in the Circuit City bargain bin with its sequel for $4.99 a pop. I picked up both and allowed them a dust-collecting fate until the other day, when my fat 15 year-old cousin returned the first one that I had let him borrow.

“Aw man, ah beat it in like three hours.”

Liar.

Still, now I had to beat it that night. My cousin and his ample bosom wasn’t going to be beating my games before me. I roared through it. Despite the fact that it was originally designed for the PSone and sported Resident Evil tank controls peppered atop 1998’s finest pre-rendered backdrops, I loved it. It’s good quick fun that covers a lot of action bases in a concise way that most current games don’t bother with.

A lot of what I’d love to say about it will be covered later when I talk about Console Arcading, but as I get older, this style of TV-gaming is ideal. I want my action in quick 5 hour bursts that can be trapped like Bubble and/or Bobble in convenient capsules of cool and awesome.

Once my fat cousin brings it back, I’ll add some thoughts about the game’s sequel. Then, after I play through them all, maybe I’ll consider the absurdity of having so many follow-ups within the same generation.

Let’s get this started right:

The Joseph Luster Report is now experiencing a test run in a new arena, breaking with ferocity from the confines of its previous home for experimental reasons. Add this channel to your RSS feed or whatever other type of African Voodoo you use to visit sites on the internet.

On this site you’ll find the same quality reporting you’ve come to expect from someone as magnificent as Joseph Luster, so add it today!