subhumanzoids

Here’s something magazine covers will never do again. O, how the mighty, erotic photograph has been replaced by Cheetos and Cartoon Black Magick!

The last may be used as your very own desktop image.

As usual, click to enlarge!

Like all enterprising young boys, I looked forward to the day that I could enjoy a full beard; one that beamed of strength and menace and the chopping of nature. However, I think I might officially throw in the towel on the concept entirely!

Being a nomadic individual that fancies the rejection of your utopian ideals such as job-having and job-working, there was no time better than the present to give bearding another go. Though I cannot scientifically explain the phenomenon in which my facial hair only grows in the style of “gay retail manager” or “gay poet what works a retail job on the side,” I can pray that this is not a portent of the future and present an artistic representation of my face in the form of a pseudo-scientific diagram.

Surely I would shave it off, had I a straight razor and some relieving salve.

I know, I’m also sick to death of hearing about or seeing pictures of Wii injuries, broken televisions, and pride shattered in the wake of improperly swinging a damn remote. Though the ship sailed on these long ago, I can’t help but show you something I taped last night; something that happened a mere 11 seconds after I turned on the video camera for some innocent recording of my friend, who had never played the system before, playing tennis in a woefully constricted area. No more spoilers.

Watch:

What should portable games be called? They’re certainly not Television games! Here are two new reviews from yours truly, just posted over at Got Next:

• Cartoon Network Racing (DS)
• Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin (DS)

(spoilers: one sucks and the other is awesome)

I swore up and down that I would never buy Pac-Man on Live Arcade, but I woke up one morning about a month ago and there it was, purchased by a far more intoxicated man that was obviously trying to piss me off. Anyway, I’ve been playing it, and right now I’m trying to get the final achievement, which involves “perfecting” a level by eating all four ghosts four times. I am not very good at this!