This Here Gay Malone

The spammer name of the day goes to my good friend “Gay Malone,” who was trying to sell me all sorts of things classified under such broad categories as “1856, Einstein, penis, zeppelin, etc.” Thank you, Gay Malone.

Let me break down the Silent Hill movie for those of you just joining me. The entire thing is like a mish-mash of cutscenes from the games. As far as adaptations go, it’s spot-on. If I had never touched a Silent Hill game, I would have been beyond miffed, and I can only imagine that rat Pat throwing up his hands in the theater in dismay. The dialogue is terrible in the most “TV game” of ways, but Christophe Gans knows how to shoot a goddamn movie.

With that said, the visuals and atmosphere are 100% Silent Hill and, just as I had been told, it’s more or less Italian horror dolled up with some CG that looks okay because it’s typically dark. There are quite a few plotholes and inconsistencies throughout, but its source material allows it to get away with a lot to be honest.

Let’s get even more neanderthalic and bullet-point this write-up:

• Pyramid Head: Awesome. Not enough screen-time. I doubt he was put in the movie for the same reasons he was in Silent Hill 2. In the game he was an executioner that was a manifestation of James’ sexuality, but I think he was purely here for the fans.

• Maps: I was on the floor with the way maps were used in the movie. Much like I find myself doing in the games, Rose referenced maps constantly in the various locations. I thought this was hilarious and rad.

• The music: Akira Yamaoka’s songs played it safe in the movie by drawing from all four games’ scores. A list of the songs and what games they were taken from can be found here. The upside to this is curbing nerd arguments about the film’s score lacking in regards to the inspiration for it while also creating an instant air of familiarity.

• The Infamous VO: Okay, I bow out on this one. That 8-10 minute voice-over was sloppy. You don’t just piss some long-winded exposition on the audience, especially at such a crucial moment in the film. There were a couple of visual gems in there, but it would have been better explained in bursts throughout the movie.

I don’t want to talk about much more because I wouldn’t want to mention anything that might spoil it. There are a lot of things in this movie that I can see people hating it for, but it’s obscenely true to its source material. Most casual movie-goer’s enjoyment of Silent Hill will be hampered by what they expect out of a movie(s) in general. Any fan of the games should have a blast watching it. I only wish it hadn’t taken Gans five years to follow up Brotherhood of the Wolf.