My Child, I Dub Thee "Rad Spencer"

Let’s talk about the new Bionic Commando game that Capcom is developing. I wanted to “break the news” on the JLR yesterday, but I thought I would let it set in for a bit before posting some unintelligible gibberish about how rad it is that they’re bringing it back.

First, I have to quote this hilarious story tidbit from the video on Gamespot. Game producer Ben Judd explains that, since the villains of the story have set up heavy anti-aircraft artillery in the city they’ve destroyed with their earthquake machine or whatever, the solution is to dispatch “Nathan Spencer, who has been put in jail for assassinations of anti-bionic leaders in the past.”

Now, in the beginning of the video, Judd admits that some aspects of the original are too ridiculous to carry over, such as the main character being named Rad Spencer and rescuing a man named Super Joe. With that in mind, I direct you once more to the previous paragraph’s quote. I say, if you’re going to be stupid, go all out.

So instead of Rad Spencer, a handsome devil with a heart of gold, we’ve now got this dude that looks like the lead singer of an awful nu-metal group, and an arm that kind of looks like Tetsuo’s in the beginning of Akira‘s final act. Some of the concept art looks pretty neat overall, but this dreadlocked fruitcake could spell certain doom for a game I will certainly play regardless.

Thus, I propose my own killer protagonist and his much cooler backstory. Tex Awesome (pictured below) is an ex-soldier that decided, upon retiring, that the woes of our modern world just ain’t for him. Moving back out west, he established a life as a Bionic Cowboy; lassoing cattle with his arm, galloping across the plains on his trusty mechanical steed Tornado Rex, and waxing his mustache under the warmth of the setting sun.

The life of a free man is a sweet nectar, that is until he spies a giant bunker rising in dust plumes from the desert sand in the distance. Could it be? Had Rad Spencer really failed in halting Hitler’s revival back in 1988? Yes, and it’s much worse than Tex imagined. High atop the now-floating bunker stands a cross upon which Rad Spencer is attached, holding tightly to his last few breaths.

As Tex, you must take your steed onto the fortress and into outer space, battling through eight levels of shooting and swinging action with the aid of your bionic arm, a growing arsenal of savage weaponry and a hip-flask of your very own restorative ranch whiskey. God speed, brave warrior!