On Victory in Men’s Sporting Contests

This post is not about cartoons. It is not about video games and it is also not about tinker toys or junk food films. Allow me this brief deviation from the JLR norm as I boast the outcome of today’s men’s college basketball contest; one that pitted Louisville (this is the team you should love) against Kentucky (this is the team you should hate).

Each year, be it basketball or football (it is always both, of course), these two state-sharing rivals battle it out to decide which fans get to be bigger assholes to the other for the following year. This is fruitless, however, because Kentucky fans can never not be loafing roustabouts; it is a genetic trait sewn deep within their alcohol-thinned life fluids. Let me first establish why Louisville is better than Kentucky, regardless of their close vicinity to one another. I will explain this in terms that even the most sports-loathing of nerds will be able to understand.

The city of Louisville is a shining golden nugget in the state of Kentucky. It’s as if King Midas sought to touch the whole state, but could only reach its northernmost region. The rest of the state, as sprawling as it may be, is essentially a desert of fools. Lexington, the University of Kentucky’s home base, is like Mos Eisley in that— and I’m sure you could complete this sentence with little effort— it is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Kentucky fans hate Louisville fans because the latter walk upright. They uncovered the ancient “maths” and “books” of their forefathers and have taken to their studies like any good, advanced civilization would. This angers the Kentucky fans to the point of spoken slander and physical violence, both of which are usually hindered by the blinding amount of alcohol and/or meth in their systems.

To make a long story short, it’s red lasers (Louisville) versus blue lasers (Kentucky). Though blue lasers are generally considered the “good guys,” everyone knows that Cobra was much cooler than G.I. Joe.

In today’s game, Louisville, under command of their coach Rick Pitino, emerged victorious with a final score of 89-75. This puts Kentucky’s current season at a reeking 6-7. Residents of Kentucky are no doubt busy turning over tractors and driving their strange primordial auto-buggies around in circles, hoping the subsequent donuts and DUIs will be the salve to today’s poisoned wound.

Oh, I also won a 25 dollar bet with my old man (who snapped the above photo). Beans to you but means to me!