Seagal is… PISTOL WHIPPED (2008)

This one’s a doozy, folks. This amazing new Steven Seagal flick, one which finds him jumbling through a mash-up of all the dialogue he’s spoken since his career began, is a certified must watch.

It’s as if the writing staff of The Onion wrote a Seagal script and played it completely straight. It’s a 90-minute justification for the fat man’s existence that has him running hits for Lance Henriksen, successfully wooing a young (possibly blind and deaf) piece of ass, and trying to overcome the woes of being an alcoholic deadbeat dad that solves the tensest situation with a HI-YA karate chop to the neck of his foes.

Seagal could make a mint if he took his act to Broadway, or heck, even a small-time stage venue would work wonders. Imagine his accented, Brando-whisper tough guy talk in an open arena, perhaps one fitted with a pit like The Globe. Well-rehearsed theatrics could even create an illusion to give someone else time to run out and perform sluggish stunts in a restricting, figure-hiding suit.

Now, come on. It’s Saturday, and if you’re not watching the Elite Eight games tonight (go Cards!) then you might as well watch this:

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