Category: Comics

The volcanoes, separated only by thousands of feet of parched landmass, all began to tremble and heave violently. Before any evasive maneuvers could be taken, rock and brush began to tumble and toss from the lower inclines as the cones initiated some inexplicable magnetic attraction to one another. Just as The End was foreseen, molten rocks shot out at impossible speeds, and before anything could be recorded and inserted into some doomed-to-remain-unpublished History of the Apocalypse, the flaming objects met just above the skyline.

This wasn’t death, though, this was birth. The rocks froze and split in mid-air, revealing a crystalline interior that acted as a jacket, blanketing an unseeable force within. The object fell and skidded into the dirt like a messenger from Krypton. Now visible, a figure stood up from the pluming smoke clouds and held out his right hand, signifying this land as his.

We now know this being as “Kojiro Abe,” a filmmaker sent from the bizarre reaches of space in an effort to enlighten our small brains and lend a sense of urgency to the stagnating creative mind. He brought us rewired fables dislocated from our own reality, punishingly honest micro-studies on our underwater worlds, and scripts that our most brilliant man-scientists have yet to fully unravel.

He currently resides in a life of humility, and has aged 19 of our primitive Earth years. When he’s not deciphering man’s pitiful secrets in the time it takes you to fart, he is releasing a constant stream of ground-breaking work.

I bring you his latest teaser: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.

http://www.kojiroabe.com/films/redteaser.wmv
http://www.myspace.com/kojiroabe
http://www.kojiroabe.com/

Look for the full film in late August, but do not try to understand its peculiarities, for to you they are the Sphinx’s very riddles; to him, a gnat’s shit’s fly’s bacteria.

If it’s not already obvious, I’m a severely habitual person. As easy as it is for me to get in the habit of writing here every night, I can just as easily slip into a routine of negligence: something I plan on employing with more sobering results in the future on women and children.

Last week, I broke down (read: got stupid) and bought a 360. The “stupid” only factors in because I should be saving money. Other than that, I couldn’t be happier with the purchase. I haven’t had this much fun with Them TV Games® since I got a Dreamcast. Microsoft’s Live service is much more streamlined and integrated into everything this time around, making it a console that seems fully connected throughout all aspects of play. If anyone else wants to “win” in this next generation, they’re going to have to both match and surpass what’s been established thus far on Live; It’s that simple.

I’m not even that into competitive gaming or anything, but I love that you can just hang out and play simple arcade games with friends, download demos and games, or mess around with other rippable media. The 360 has also introduced me to Sega’s Condemned: Criminal Origins, which is a stellar and terrifying game that I will write about more extensively in the near future.

Enough about that, I’m going to turn it on for a bit between script-writing and going to bed and play some Geometry Wars. Expect some more regular updates now.

Disclaimer: I’m no expert on Italian flicks. I just got into them over the last few years, and still have yet to see a lot of important entries. Oddly enough, these have kind of helped lately while I’ve been working on writing a comedy; something far separated (in intention at least) from everything that’s been on my TV. If you can’t tell, I’ve sort of been on a kick:

I can only imagine what further movies in the by-name-only Zombi series would have turned out like. While Zombi 3 was pretty decent, it was a far cry from Fulci’s classic. However, I wouldn’t entirely blame the shitty parts of that movie on either Lucio Fulci or Bruno Mattei; I wouldn’t even say it was a combination. Fulci got sick and they were left with maybe 50 usable (read: remotely fun) minutes after editing, so Mattei came on to save it. The former had some well-constructed zombie moments and Mattei’s best contribution to the movie was the stuff with the men in white chasing and blasting away the remaining survivors. It’s definitely not a total pile of shit; the hotel scenes near the beginning are great.

The next entry is a slightly different story. I sort of like what I’ve seen of Claudio Fragasso’s work. I guess the odds of there even being much of a Zombi 3 without him would be pretty nil. Zombi 4: After Death is kind of grody in all the wrong ways, though. It’s got all the right ingredients but they don’t mix too well in execution. Voodoo black dude opening? Check. Military boys (or is that “boiz”?) shooting zombies in the face? Check. Unfortunately, it’s somehow mostly boring. I can only imagine how unwatchable the print was when it was released with most of the gore chopped out by the producer. Okay, not a great zombie flick, but far from the worst.

Zombi 5: Killing Birds is the worst. It’s not just the worst in this series, it’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Even Robert Vaughn as a former revenge killer rendered sightless by the pecking out of his eyeballs can’t make it worth seeing. I never turn movies off after starting them, but I almost did. Not only were there only a handful of zombies, there weren’t even really many birds! I at least expected someone to be killing birds or, more probable, packs of birds that kill people. Instead, they give you 90 minutes of a group of douchebags looking for a near-extinct woodpecker and getting stuck in a spooky house. When it’s put that way, it even sounds unwatchable by Scooby Doo standards.

I’ve also recently seen Joe D’amato’s Anthropophagus listed as Zombi 6: Monster Hunter†. If this is true, this would almost kill the landsliding quality of the films. Still, Anthropophagus isn’t all that great either. Aside from a few key moments it’s sort of a snoozer, but there are some things on the second disc of the DVD that still make it worth picking up for the low price Best Buy sells it for.

† Actually, it looks like that may be incorrect. Though names are typically fuck-all confusing, it might have been Rosso Sangue/Anthropophagus 2 that some note as Zombi 6. Anyone know?

I made a thread elsewhere about this, but I had to repost it here because it’s awesome and God what the fuck is wrong with me I’m becoming some psycho hermit:

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Wasps are really fucking gay and ugly. This dumbass flew in my kitchen and kept banging against the window like it was a way out. I felt kind of bad because he was obviously a retarded wasp, but this is my house, damnit (my folks, just like, um, rent it out from me, BRO). I offered him the chance of a lifetime. He was given, with no exception, five full minutes to exit through the now-open porch door.

He declined. So be it.

Like any man would, I went toe to toe with the fucked-up-looking beast. Although many of you know RAID only as a condiment, it is also a valuable weapon. I managed to land a perfect headshot and I watched it fall to and writhe in my sink for a few minutes, tapwater cascading over it like a final bath before execution. The toxins from the spray enveloped its body and seeped into each segment, closing off all quarters of its living functions.

Unfortunately for the local backyard wasp community, I had recently rewatched the anniversary edition of Cannibal Holocaust. So, ceremoniously, I mounted its carcass onto a “spear” and lodged it deep within a crack on my deck’s side-rail. I would have shoved it up its anus, but I couldn’t find it.

The results are not for the squeamish (click to enlarge):

One more pic.

1996-2006: Gyroid to Big Man Face: VHS to HD

It’s hard to believe BigWig Productions has been cranking ’em out for so long, but it must be believed. You must persevere!

In commemoration, here is the 10th anniversary special BigWig trailer! Please enjoy it!

Note: I’ve changed it to a newer version with full audio on all the clips; by popular demand, of course!