subhumanzoids

In a fit of tomfoolery, I stupidly smote my sultry ‘stache. This, my friends, is something I currently regret more than anything else. There was this one time in second grade that I flashed my wanger to some Israeli girl and her sister. I did that slick move where you come back from the bathroom with your ding dong hanging out of your zipper and are like “oops!” Whatever, I know you all do it. That was kind of hilarious, actually, even though it was really awkward when they told on me and I got in trouble.

However, I regret this follicle fiasco on a whole different level. Before I raised a blade to it, its newly sentient form spoke to me telepathically: “You can’t win, Joseph. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” Sure enough, as I ran my electric blade across its well-developed exterior, it deflated and disappeared entirely.

But we can rebuild it. We can make it faster and stronger. You, me, all of us will have to pour our hearts into it this time, but it will surely return. I can already hear it whispering to me in the cool Autumn breeze. I’ll see you again, old friend.

R.I.P. Cornelius Cornhusk 2007-2007

Come on, these rampaging ragdolls weren’t there to be your “buddy,” they were obviously there to suck the life essence from your slowly developing husk of a body, rendering you nothing more than a skeletal frame with some pale, dead skin draped over it.

Just look at your “buddy’s” vacant yet all-knowing stare around :08. That’s the look of an evil conduit bursting at the sweatshop-manufactured seams with a killer’s intent. That is, without a single doubt, the last thing that you will see before you die.

Doggone, my readers sure are the craftiest bunch of tricksters I’ve ever encountered. One of you dastardly devils went and snapped a candid photo of me playin’ games last night, right from my own backyard!

In the mood for muppets? Why wouldn’t you be? Here’s a somewhat nonsensical mish-mash of test Santa puppet clips from a couple years ago, beamed to our future for your lunchtime pleasure.

Bigwig Puppet Reel (YouTube)

Here’s a frightfully bad portrait of Count “What is a man?” Dracula, courtesy of me. This is why I stick to anthropomorphic fish and black superheroes. If I had actually been commissioned by the Count himself to do this, there is no doubt in my mind that my blood would have been very sucked by now.

“Blah! Fangs for nothing!”