Kalamari Kid Khiladi Klub

Not only did it take me at least a month to get to this movie, which was nested comfortably atop my dormant stack of Netflix discs, it also took a pretty good chunk of my day to watch it.

Still, despite the fact that my attention span has dwindled to something like what you’d find in the brain of an underdeveloped hummingbird, I busted out of the opposite end of the 1992 Bollywood film KHILADI after almost 4.5 hours (~3 of which actually consisted of watching the movie).

While I didn’t enjoy it as much as the only other Akshay Kumar (he’s the studly Indian action star; you know, one of the two males in the movie that isn’t comically retarded or fat) flick that I’ve seen, SAPOOT, it was about as wild as I expected it to be.

The music is a riot, and sounds kind of like it was scored inside of an angry elephant’s asshole (this is a compliment as far as my tastes are concerned; “angry” is also a crucial detail). It takes almost 80 minutes to get into the central plot, a time which consists mostly of really random comedy that makes the serious nature of the approaching story seem that much crazier. Plot synopsis taken from IMDB, because I’m lazy:

Four friends: Raj Malhotra (Akshay Kumar), Neelam Choudhury (Ayesha Jhulka); Boney (Deepak Tijori), and Sheetal (Sabeeha) decide to play a practical joke on Sheetal’s dad, Kailash Nath (Prem Chopra), which involves the fake kidnapping of Sheetal, and a ransom demand of Rs.500,000/-. Things seems to go according to plan, until they find out that the police, especially Raj’s elder brother, Suresh Malhotra (Shakti Kapoor) have been informed by Nath’s servant (Suresh Bhagwat). They elude the police, and manage to get the ransom, and then return to find that Sheetal has been stabbed to death, and the evidence points to the three friends.

Bollywood movies aren’t for everyone, though. You need to be able to sit through randomly placed, plot-progressing musical sequences, for one. I’ve created a First Act diagram to showcase what most of these will portray if you want to skip them (I, of course, would never skip such delightful montages!).

•Boy Meets Girl.

— Spirited Song In Which His Instantaneous Love is Professed —
•Boy is Probably Married to Girl Now.

Akshay Kumar asks: “How gay is my friend Joseph’s blog now, America?”

• • •

In completely unrelated news, the new Bond flick, starring first-time 007 Daniel Craig, looks rad.


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