Hardcore Plastic Porn

This is so sick. I’m on an old toy commercial kick; these things used to get a kid rock hard. That’s not hyperbole either. It’s pretty likely that a lot of young boys got their first erections, not from some lurid photos of female genitalia, but from the extreme cocktease known as the 1980s toy commercial.

These things are just disgusting, seriously. Not only do they show the most awesome toys you could possibly beg for, but they show them fully equipped with every accessory and they let some dick-nosed jerkwads play with them on these elaborate and life-like playsets that are, in no uncertain terms, 100% unpurchaseable. That’s not even a freakin’ word, but you know what it means: You can’t buy it!

Sure, you could step outside and play in the dirt, and you probably did! But it’s not the same. Nothing’s to scale in “the wilds” of your backyard like it is in the ad. Check out this Dino-Riders ad, for instance. It’s completely shameless pornography!

Oh man, there are a bunch to choose from after that one plays. Watch them all!

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4 thoughts on “Hardcore Plastic Porn

  1. And Dino-Riders were the jam. I only had two and a sand pile to play with them in, forget bowling over dozens of enemies with mock boulders crafted at Skywalker Ranch. I think I remember that commercial, too. It’s like a full episode of the cartoon, in toy form.

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