Hatchet

“Early 21st Century American Horror”
I peeped Adam Green’s Hatchet earlier and thought it was just okay. I know what they were going for with their “Old School American Horror” tagline, but there’s not much that technically separates this from something like Jeepers Creepers or, I don’t know, another bad example; it’s pretty goofy.

The special effects are awesome. In fact, if the kills in this movie weren’t so insane, it wouldn’t be worth watching at all. Actually, it does have Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Mercedes McNab’s boobs in it, so there are more than a couple of reasons to give it a spin.

Surprisingly, though, neat deaths and 90 seconds of Candyman in a tophat do not a great movie make. There’s a lot of terrible, terrible music and a lot of Scooby-doo scares (“let’s turn this way then turn back-aaaaahboogabooga!”). I can’t really picture Victor Crowley becoming a new horror icon, what with the forgettable costume design, but I also never imagined that they would be on Saw IV by now, so who knows.

Check it out on the cheap or free, don’t let the hype blow it up too much for you (seriously, where’d all the buzz come from?), and enjoy the splatter and the mercifully short 75-80 minute runtime.