Glasses that display two-dimensional images in three-dimensions are, let’s face it, one of mankind’s most important inventions. I used to have this really sick Rocketeer deluxe comic book that was in 3D and, at the time, every moment I read it seemed like some wild Lawnmower Man shit. Forget the fact that I may have been fundamentally retarded; that’s not the issue at hand.
Some fine folks in for a letdown
It’s kind of amazing that we haven’t come that far with this amazing apparatus since its inception. The part of me that thought life would be like Back to the Future II by now is still waiting on Jaws 3D to come a-head-chompin’, but the more realistic man within knows that our Earth scientists are far more concerned with making things more highly defined so we can transform our TV watching into the most frightening, porous creepshow imaginable.
Granted, that rad Michael Jackson flick at Epcot came really close, as did the Terminator stage show, but I want this tech in my home, on my face, and out of this world.
Okay, put on your 3D goggles… NOW!
Now, if I had to go by sheer potential, then this titular award would certainly go to the “3D” Kikaida feature from 1973, because it’s the most amazing concept ever, but you only get five second bursts of blurry DARK Destructoids at any given time! I want them to jump out of my tube and kick my butt.
However, the biggest abomination of the coveted third dimension spectacle is surely Jim Power the Lost Dimension in 3D for your Super Nintendo Entertainment System (peep the synopsis). I rented this vile platformer/shooter in 1993— a year before which man had two decades to improve upon Kikaida‘s archaic dimensional shortcomings— but the final product is neither three nor dee.
The effect was mostly achieved through insanely distracting levels of parallax, and I love parallax. Not only is it a terrible, worthless game, but the addition of the glasses is almost a cruel joke. “Hey, we made this grandiose piece of trash, let’s make it even harder to get through and make the player feel like he needs eye surgery!” Honestly, I blame this single smattering of interactive diarrhea, an act of pure deviltry from developer Electro Brain, for setting back the 3D movement another couple scores.