subhumanzoids

Wide-eyed hope has been mashed and puréed into cold disappointment, and I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that Nintendo is not going to respond to my most excellent query (see post #107 – Ed).

Despite the new abrasive relationship I’ve developed with the company, I still went out and paid cold, hard store credit for a copy of Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. At 677.3% progress (what the hell does that even mean?), I’d say it’s on its way to replacing Aria of Sorrow as my favorite of the portable games. So well-grounded is my dedication that, when prompted to doodle an icon for my file with the stylus, I resisted, with a rigid brow and the sternest of looks, man’s instinctive duty to draw a penis.

Now, at age 25, I still find myself cursing aloud bastards of evolution and science like Frankenstein[‘s Monster] and Medusa, just as I imagine our forefathers did many years ago. I guess I’ve been killing things with whips for twenty years now, so I should be pretty adept.

(Pictured: Me, going to Pat’s house circa 199x)

A review by joseph luster – class of 2016

I liked Apocalypto. It was a neat movie that you should see. It had some violence but is not as gorey as people will tell you it is (tho there is a part with a jagwire that is cool). Mel Gibson is not in it, but he should be. There are lots of colors in the movie, but most of them are the mayan people’s bodies.

I would give it a few stars!

Read Kotaku’s coverage of the release of one of the only games that can save the 360 in Japan, Blue Dragon. It’s a nice follow-up to last year’s photo blog about Microsoft’s abysmal Jappernese reception.

What the Xbox apparently needs is a really shitty Gundam game!

Some of you may know of the mythical beast “Nugget,” also known as Patrick G. Sanders. He’s a veritable phenomenon, and has been featured in his own comic serial and myspace page.

Naturally, I hate him!

But still, I have always longed to figure him out; delve deep into his psyche and pull out all of the parts that are stupid or don’t work. Scintillating auteur Dave Deutsch beat me to it. His video, aptly titled “Nugget’s Dream,” takes us on a journey through the cobweb-littered hallways of our anti-hero’s mind. Please enjoy it with me.

I’m disappointed in Nintendo at the moment. I sent them a very enthusiastic email the other day regarding their new Wii console. The letter reads as follows:

Hi!
I have seen your new system in Nintendo Power, and I have some question(s). The most recent game I have played of yours is Zelda 2, which is neat. Are you making any games that are as fun as that one? How long until they are out and what are their names? My favorite good guy so far is Link, but my favorite bad guy is still Mouser.

Sincerely,
Joseph “Jammin’ Joey” Luster

For days, I anxiously awaited a response to this. Although I thought I knew the answer to my query deep down inside, I began to second guess myself. Are they making any games as fun as that one? What are their names? What started as something silly was evolving into a deadly serious affair. Notes lie scattered about my room; some are tacked to walls, but most of them are spread haphazardly everywhere else.

Then Nintendo replied. No, you know what? An automaton replied. I’m beside myself at this point, more vexed than angry. Their stiff, robotic solution to my problem was to provide a link to the very page from which I got their email address! Back in my younger days, these questions were Nintendo’s very foundation. If I wasn’t so strung out over this whole thing, I’d probably be pissed. Luckily, their cold response stated that I could reply to the message if my question remained unanswered. Well, bad sirs, it does.

Hello again, “Super” Nintendo!

A few days ago, I sent an email to you dudes (I attached it after this). Anyway, I searched the link you gave me, but I didn’t really feel like I could answer my question with all of that info! As they say in your TV games, “Try Again?” Haha.

Thank you!

P.S. Does Sega still say all those lies about “Blast Processing”? Sonic isn’t really that good and Mario is much cooler. I always have thought, NintenDOES what SegDON’T!

I’ll keep you guys up-to-the-minute on this one.