subhumanzoids

Hello. It is the 106th entry on the 6th day of your Earth calendar’s month of December. I’m here, in typically grizzly fashion, to let loose a few breaths of import into the brisk air of the internet.

First off, I have to say that I’m pretty taken by Google Reader, and in a month’s time I will surely make a similar post in which I cite it as indispensable. I often forget to check a huge chunk of sites that I would otherwise like to keep up with, and lumping them all on one page is sort of like internet Christmas to me. I wouldn’t doubt it if you told me I was months and months behind on this phenomenon, and I would still be in the dark if I hadn’t checked Site Meter and noticed that Reader was used as a means of viewing this very blog.

Unless I am mistaken, this should be a portal through which you can inspect it.

Now for something even more crucial: this past Tuesday’s release of Project Pat’s post-jail epic, Crook by da Book: The Fed Story. After the intro, which follows one of his adversaries during their jarring realization that Pat has, indeed, been released from prison and plans to exact revenge on the snitches that have wronged him, we segue immediately into the feverishly paced “I Ain’t Goin’ Back to Jail.” From there, it’s an intense ride through many fully-realized worlds, including but not limited to the claustrophobic “Tell Tell Tell (Stop Snitchin’)” and the jubilant anthem “Good Googly Moogly.”

I could go on, but unless specifically requested to do so, I’ll stop here. If anyone would like a copy of this ground-breaking album, contact me. However, I will forever deny any consequent legal ramifications because, like Mr. Pat, “I ain’t goin’ back to jail.”

If you watched today’s UL x UConn game on television then congratulations, your perception of what happened was completely blinded by The Great White Conspirators™. Though the final score remains the same no matter what vantage point you had, the ultimate catalyst for the Cardinals’ victory was something deemed unfit, even “too awesome,” for Tee Vee.

It was a mixture of catastrophe and celebration; of destruction and dancing. After catching a 23-yard pass, Louisville’s Mario Urrutia found himself uncharacteristically distracted. Someone, in an effort to sabotage the home team, had turned on the “Thornton’s Boogie Cam” right in the middle of a play!

As if enraptured by an invisible Siren, Urrutia (pictured right) drifted toward the base of the jumbotron, far away from his touchdown destination. A candid half-time locker room conversation attempts to illuminate the situation.

“Why they turn on ‘da Boogie Cam while we play?” Mario pleaded in a sotto voice.
“I don’t know, Mario, I just. Don’t. Know.”

Mario was crippled, more mentally and emotionally than physically. During a TV timeout, I found myself behind the bench in a similar predicament, staring at the Boogie Cam like a dunce. There were so many people dancing; some were even doing the Tootsie Roll both “to the right” and “to the left.”

Then I heard it.

“Hey boi,” was what it sounded like. It was coming from Louisville’s head coach, Bobby Petrino. Perhaps more disconcerting than the fact that he was apparently addressing me, was that I instantly picked up on the peculiar intonation in his speech, and I was positive that it was specifically b-o-i and not b-o-y. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do.

To make a long story short, he tossed me a helmet, I went out on the field, blacked out, and woke up in the locker room after we won, surrounded by ding dongs!

Bonus Choose-Your-Own-Adventure: Read the last sentence with a question mark at the end and it’s even more exciting!

Today is Friday, December 1st, and you all know what that means…

Mail Day! However, since we didn’t receive any letters this year, here are some from a 1989 Nintendo Power:

Keepin’ it true* with an overhead view,
‘Cause a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

After renting and playing a decent amount of the new Sonic the Hedgehog on 360, I decided that it’s terrible and Dave Halverson is a lunatic. If you want an idea of what playing it is like, it’s kind of a mix of this and this, but less awesome.

Though it took me over twenty years, I’ve finally come to the conclusion as to what the number one bathroom reader is. It should have been obvious from the start, but the enviable Luster Award for Shit Reading Excellence goes to Raijin’s full-colour versions of the Fist of the North Star manga.

Despite having read these a handful of times since their release a few years back, they still manage to hold a much sought-after spot in the wicker magazine rack next to my toilet (right in front of years-old EGMs and a bad Simpsons comic; prime real estate). The chapters can each be read in about the time it takes to squeeze out a moderately sized dump, and the faces any dedicated reader will make while reading the “A-ta-ta” and “Uwwooooooh!” sound effects make for the perfect doo-doo impetus.

**Sorry, nerds, this post isn’t really about Zelda at all.
*Listening again, I think he says “Creepin’ through,” but whatever.

I’m sure this thing is old as dirt but, after careful consideration, I have decided that this is the Perfect Video†. Not only is it well-paced and full of surprises, but it takes our unlikely protagonist on the complete Hero’s Journey, from the first act to the thrilling conclusion.

I don’t care if you’ve seen it a million times. Have you really seen it?

† For those with further interest in the subject, I consider the runner-up to this title to be the last video posted on Mr. Black’s weblog.