subhumanzoids

Okay, here’s what all the good boys and girls have been thinking about for the past 15 years: a new side-scrolling Mario platformer. Well it’s here, and it’s stellar. To sum it up briefly, it’s sort of a hybrid of Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. 3, with some elements from the rest of the series thrown in.

Despite the fact that there isn’t much use of the touch screen, the DS hardware crafts a beautiful game, as well as some really creative platforming. The 3D graphics allow levels to morph and pulsate, and the enemies bounce and gyrate to the tune of the particular level’s music.

It’s about the length of any 2D Mario game, but there are a ton of diverging paths and level exits that zig-zag all over the world map. There’s also incentive to flex your tough-guy jumper muscles in attempts to nab the three star coins in each stage, some of which are precariously and cleverly placed.

New Super Mario Bros. reminds me of why the platformer is my favorite game genre. Making subtle and skillful jumps is as impressive and fun to me, if not more so, than being able to blow someone’s head off or punch a dude in his balls. Don’t get me wrong, though, I love doing the latter. You should see me unscrewing a car stereo while John steals a TV and throws it through the car’s windshield in The Warriors!

Do it the Joey Coco way!

5) Watch old shoujo anime on your computer.

4) Watch Veronica Mars.

3) Rip off your testicles.

2) Fancy them.

1) Say hello to your “vagina.”

On the Man Front, I rented The Warriors on X-box today and started digging into it. John and I busted out co-op, which is fun aside from the constant switching between full and split-screen, depending on your proximity to the other player.

This week is going to be stellar, mostly because of the impending release of New Super Mario Bros. on DS. How erotic is that? A new goddamn 2D Mario platformer of our very own.

Tinny music is acting as background noise to a space age budget fairgrounds-style ad for a Louisville Yugi Oh tournament on TV right now.

I’d love to take Danny Tanner there and watch the fireworks. Still, he doesn’t exist and I’m sure I’d end up as disappointed as I was on Free Comic Book Day this past Saturday. Despite the piles of generic, complimentary DC and Marvel comics on the table, they were all out of the Archie Comics 65th Anniversary Bash. What a cruel planet!

Unfortunately, I doubt it would have killer content like this page I scanned from an old Double Digest:

“Proud African Chieftain,” indeed!

Speaking of Lady Vengeance, here’s my ding dang review.

Also, everyone pour your booze out on the cold concrete, unless you’re not drinking any (pussy). Machiko Soga AKA Bandora AKA Rita Repulsa died on May 7th of pancreatic cancer. Who will make my “monster” grow now?

No one should be opposed to corny or trashy entertainment. There’s something suspect about you if you can’t enjoy fun garbage.

If I had to choose between trusting someone that immersed themself only in the most gutter of film, the most foul concoctions of creativity, and someone that refused to acknowledge it at all, I’d hand a gun to the former and have them shoot the latter.

On that note, I was thinking about starting some semi-regular features here at The Joseph Luster Report. I almost kicked off The Friday Man Movie (tentative title, of course) with Mission: Impossible III, but I ended up going to sleep around noon on Friday and waking up at 6:30pm.

God of War ate me alive that night and almost caved my skull in near the end. Those fucking Cerebus dogs! I hate them with the passion of a thousand Akshay Kumar flicks†. If you don’t kill the puppies within a minute or so they turn into full-blown Cerebuses…es…Cerebusi? Garybusey?

Today was a complete Chan-wook Park day, I guess. After checking out Tartan’s screener for Lady Vengeance, I went over to Bryan’s and made him finally watch the Korean disc of Old Boy I let him borrow a long time ago. Out of all three, Old Boy is still my favorite. It’s not as harsh and depressing as Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. In fact, it seems to sit appropriately between the other two as far as emotional levels of revenge go. Although, if we’re talking temperature of vengeance between Lady and Mister, I can’t decide which is the hot handle and which is the cold.

† Okay, that statement sounded sort of ambiguous. I can not overstate how awesome Akshay Kumar is.