subhumanzoids

Here are some entertainment quickies:

We finally got around to wrapping up season two of Battlestar Galactica, and I can effectively say that the second season is a shadow of what the first achieved in every way. I don’t even know where to start without taking up a lot of space, so I won’t. At this point, convincing me that it’s “The smartest show on TV” would be like telling a paraplegic to “just start walking, pussy.” Oh well, whatever. It was a fun show for the most part.

Thief, which is incidentally one of television’s current crop of amazing shows that justifies my being so harsh on BSG, already had its season finale tonight but we missed it. I hope a lot of people are watching this show. It’s worth it just to see Andre Brauer act in it.

I am getting this movie as we speak. Don’t worry, little Johnny boy, we’ll get some warm milk and a big blanket and watch this bad mofo together.

WHAT’S THAT, EARTH MAN? YOU WANT MORE?

I “solved” Kingdom Hearts II tonight. This is the best sequel in recent memory. It’s such a vast improvement over the first and as such stands as one of the PS2’s finest games. The last battle was epic in the way that reminded me of those rad pompous bosses in old games like Shinobi that would just sit in a throne and fight you.

Of course, that feature only rang true for one or two of the ba-goddamn-zillion forms the final boss assumed.

I only got 90% completion, but I didn’t think the mostly lame minigames were worth trudging through just to see the “secret ending,” so I peeped it on YouTube. If you don’t ever plan on bothering with KHII, you should check out this video, if not just to see some brief and rad CG.

How do you even follow up a Ducketts Murda Records music video promo? A meeker man would shrug and say “you can’t” just before packing his bags and fading away in black and orange ashes on the sun’s surface.

Maybe that man is right, but he’s dead now and we have to move on. The 48 Hour Film Project is expanding to Louisville for the first time this year, and it’s the duty of Bigwig Productions to completely dominate it. I think I’ve already talked to everyone locally that reads this (there is merely one), but this is a heads up anyway.

This movie was apparently the winner of the overall competition in 2005. It is terrible and there was almost no actual filming done as it’s filled primarily with old stock photographs of the west.

Here’s a promo for the upcoming Ducketts Murda “Punch Out” music video!

Having trouble with the player? Here’s the link to the page.

Consider this a filler episode, if you will. I recently watched the Lupin the Third live-action movie. If you want to check out my full story, be my guest!

Expect some new Slamm Dunk covers soon. for now, I appropriately leave you with Ego, the Living Planet.

This post is for the countless product designers in the game industry that read my blog, so the rest of you can just sit back and watch a concise tutorial in action.

We all know TV game instruction manuals are boring, and there’s rarely a reason to read them considering most games have their own built-in tutorials now. But still, years ago they were worth saving. I used to pile them up after throwing away the boxes (though now, as a graduated Super Nerd, I wish I had all my boxes). However, there are some key elements that can not be ignored while making the manual for your Next Big Game™.

First of all, and I cannot stress this enough, the instructions need to be in color.

Next, make sure you open with some eye-grabbing artwork and a cool logo (see example below). If you have a story synopsis to tell, either put it here or after the general game start page. If it’s a long intro, make sure you give us some cool pictures!

Now that you have a memorable image, you need to describe how the game works for all the retarded people that will buy it. Spend as little time as possible describing how to turn your system on, or how to curb epileptic seizures. If a customer somehow dies during this process, it was simply their time.

Here’s one of the most important factors to a proper manual. Make sure you show us all of the character’s abilities! Pictures are absolutely crucial. Take this for example:

Beautiful. Now I know what it’s going to look like when I’m being awesome. Your work’s not done yet, though, boys (and girls? Okay, whatever). I, the consumer, demand to see all of the weapons and items I might procure throughout the game. Typing them out is no good, no one’s going to actually read it. Here’s an example from Silent Hill 2.

But the most crucial addition to a manual is, without a doubt, the following. This can cancel out huge mistakes such as omitting any of the rules above or making the manual black & white. You have to show us the enemies we’ll be facing. Images are mandatory, because nothing is worse than being caught unawares by some sewer-dwelling pteranodon or the elusive “Guy with Knife”! Here is an example from the Ghouls ‘N’ Ghosts booklet that fulfills this qualification while also breaking one of my cardinal rules:

At the same time, Capcom makes up for its error by providing descriptions that both forewarn and entertain! On the rogues gallery page before this one, the description for the Skeleton Murderer (catchy name!) reads as follows, “Carries a scythe and can cut your life short.” I just felt a shiver. Note how the brevity still carries the weight of menace, emphasizing that they are indeed ne’erdowells!

These are all simple rules that, amazingly, almost no one obeys anymore. There was a time when at least 75% of these features were expected, nay, demanded from us all. Now we sit complacent with our B&W 5-page mini-rag that tells us how to safely turn on our fun boxes.

Instead of a long-winded reiteration of these tips, I leave you with the very call-to-arms that preceded Arthur’s trek into the unknown. Perhaps, one day, you will be so bold!