subhumanzoids

The spammer name of the day goes to my good friend “Gay Malone,” who was trying to sell me all sorts of things classified under such broad categories as “1856, Einstein, penis, zeppelin, etc.” Thank you, Gay Malone.

Let me break down the Silent Hill movie for those of you just joining me. The entire thing is like a mish-mash of cutscenes from the games. As far as adaptations go, it’s spot-on. If I had never touched a Silent Hill game, I would have been beyond miffed, and I can only imagine that rat Pat throwing up his hands in the theater in dismay. The dialogue is terrible in the most “TV game” of ways, but Christophe Gans knows how to shoot a goddamn movie.

With that said, the visuals and atmosphere are 100% Silent Hill and, just as I had been told, it’s more or less Italian horror dolled up with some CG that looks okay because it’s typically dark. There are quite a few plotholes and inconsistencies throughout, but its source material allows it to get away with a lot to be honest.

Let’s get even more neanderthalic and bullet-point this write-up:

• Pyramid Head: Awesome. Not enough screen-time. I doubt he was put in the movie for the same reasons he was in Silent Hill 2. In the game he was an executioner that was a manifestation of James’ sexuality, but I think he was purely here for the fans.

• Maps: I was on the floor with the way maps were used in the movie. Much like I find myself doing in the games, Rose referenced maps constantly in the various locations. I thought this was hilarious and rad.

• The music: Akira Yamaoka’s songs played it safe in the movie by drawing from all four games’ scores. A list of the songs and what games they were taken from can be found here. The upside to this is curbing nerd arguments about the film’s score lacking in regards to the inspiration for it while also creating an instant air of familiarity.

• The Infamous VO: Okay, I bow out on this one. That 8-10 minute voice-over was sloppy. You don’t just piss some long-winded exposition on the audience, especially at such a crucial moment in the film. There were a couple of visual gems in there, but it would have been better explained in bursts throughout the movie.

I don’t want to talk about much more because I wouldn’t want to mention anything that might spoil it. There are a lot of things in this movie that I can see people hating it for, but it’s obscenely true to its source material. Most casual movie-goer’s enjoyment of Silent Hill will be hampered by what they expect out of a movie(s) in general. Any fan of the games should have a blast watching it. I only wish it hadn’t taken Gans five years to follow up Brotherhood of the Wolf.

If I were a huge lying douchebag, I’d say that the Silent Hill games don’t scare the hell out of me. Unfortunately, I’m not and they do. I never did beat the third game, and it’s been sitting on my shelf taunting me ever since I put it down. Needless to say, the release of the movie subtly reminded me of what a pussy I am.

Silent Hill 2 was an excellent game; one of your planet Earth’s best horror games period. For some reason, though, I hit a wall in SH3 and never climbed over it. I thought about starting over from scratch earlier today and making a Day Game out of it, but I knew it wouldn’t be possible since I had a date to hang out with Rip Van Winkle that afternoon.

So after bumbling around with the first twenty minutes of the game, I got frustrated because it was too bright outside and the glare in my room made it all but impossible to play the pre-flashlight portions. I loaded up my old save and leapt over the years-old hurdle in a matter of minutes.

Now I’m knee-deep in obese subway-dwellers and split-face dogs running through the torturous moans from the floors below. No other series builds such an intense swell of dread while steering mostly clear of cheap scares like monsters crashing out of doorways and the like. I’m never more on edge than when nothing’s going on at all, because I know it could be curtains through one more doorway or down one more stairwell.

In some ways, this game is much more frightening than the second. I think it’s the plausibility of the location that drives everything home. Not that I live near any subways, or that any of the local malls look anything like the one in the game. Still, the fact that it spirals down through a hellish world and sets seed in such mundane areas is why it’s so absorbing. A foggy town is almost quaintly exotic in comparison, like a Thanksgiving trip to Williamsburg.

I haven’t seen Christophe Gans’ Silent Hill yet, but I plan to ASAP. I expect an incohesive plot full of holes and I don’t care. Add amazing visuals and what do you have? Sounds like Italian horror to me, which is perfect.

Typing that subject line makes me hate today’s rappers even more. Everyone’s shouting out God and Jesus and their “moms” and what-not, but they never deliver boastful WWF-circa-1987 speeches towards their arch-nemeses anymore. I promise that Ducketts Murda will be making a more concerted effort to hate and talk trash about every square inch of Indiana. We got the ball rolling on our myspace page, so check out our latest blog if it’s still up. Even if it’s no longer relevant, make sure you “jam” while you’re there like the two MJs once did!

Speaking of a nemesis– nay, ARCH-nemesis, this blog has its very own! Head on over to the blood-curdling Joseph Luster Retort to see what the “Mad Hater” John Wishon has up his sleeves. I await your rebuttals with the fiercest flame of my heart, you rogue!

Technically, I’m writing this entry at 3pm on Thursday the 20th. I’m at an undisclosed location in Louisville, Kentucky that wants me to pay for their internet services. For speculation’s sake, let’s call it The Cantina. It fits the bill. Yak-Face? Check. Chicken Alien? Check. Someone in line even told me that their friend “doesn’t like [me] either.”

It’s a good thing I didn’t come here for the atmosphere. I didn’t even come for the wi-fi. My mission is to work on the Top Secret Michael Winslow Project until my laptop’s battery hits the single digits. It’s also probably a pro that there aren’t any internet ghouls keeping me from working.

Scoop! Fatmandu to the left just shook his tail a bit when he stood up. His mating call may have worked on weaker willpower on a better day and in a sexier setting. Look out the window. He’s driving out of my life forever!

Take the temporal skiff ride with me. Now it’s twelve hours later, one hour left to save Toby from the Goblin King. Along with Justin, I learned that only two things need to be passed on to your children in regards to Enzo Castellari’s New Barbarians. Fit the first: Fred Williamson is probably your father. Fit the second: There is most definitely a scene, one that’s impossible to misconstrue, that involves Scorpion being butt-tortured by the head of the Templars.

It’s no wonder that some TV games can’t manage to be as compelling as they were fourteen years ago. How is the consumer supposed to qualify an adventure as worthwhile when developers and publishers have completely abandoned the moniker of Super? In fact, game titles as a whole have become so vague. I think the last game that really told the people what it was about was Playstation’s Blaster Master: Blasting Again. The name says it all. Blaster Master is back, doing what he does best. Too bad the game was kind of gay.

Heck, I imagine that niche games like Tim Schafer’s brilliant Psychonauts could even survive resurrection in this cold world through a “super” renovation. But is there more to this type of game than an astounding adjective?

Of course!

First, the obvious: everything has to be bigger! I’m not just talking about larger turtles or heftier anvils, the world has to be all-consuming. If comic characters were judged on this basis, Galactus would not only earn a “Super” before his name, but his nipples would be terraformed colonies that the hero(es) would traverse by necessity.

Applying gimmicks to your game isn’t necessary when everything is considerably larger. To be safe, however, analysts would also recommend more frequent boss encounters, including but not limited to one sub-boss per level. These are just suggestions, though! It wouldn’t be “Super” if it wasn’t fun, so just imagine the most super fun thing ever and digitize it!

Placement is key. Take Treasure’s semi-recent GBA effort Gunstar Super Heroes. Are we supposed to classify this as a “super” game? Let’s not mince words, they goofed. This name just implies that the characters have graduated to a higher level of being, excluding the advancements the developers have made in the game. Am I going to be experiencing a Super Adventure? I wouldn’t know, they won’t tell me before I buy it!

Still, could million-sellers like Halo benefit from this? Would I be alone in line for or Super Halo or Super Grand Theft Auto?

Or will you join me!?