subhumanzoids

I probably should have posted about this back when I was actually in the thick of it, but for a while there I was really stabbing hard at the Castlevania series in my free time. Yes, that long-rest’d, well worn, and notoriously difficult saga as first appeared in America on the Nintendo Entertainment System in the year 1987.

I was six years old. Head like a giant apple, hands stained with chocolate pudding snacks.

Frankly, I never was able to solve a single one of the original trilogy back in those glowing days of youth, no matter how long I sat plunked down in front of my NES. Odd then that now, when I probably have the least available time to do so—and about ten times less the appropriate level of patience—I plowed through Castlevania, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, and the Japanese version of III, Akumajo Densetsu.

To say that these were hefty accomplishments to me would be a whopper of an understatement. Had you been unfortunate enough to live anywhere near me during that period, you would have no doubt heard me wax heroic about my exploits in Castle Dracul. I once not-so-famously held a very lengthy bar conversation regarding the difficulty of completing the first Castlevania (I had done so earlier that day), a chat that came equipped with so many personal pats on the back that, had you seen my bare skin, an embarrassingly red palm print would have pulsated and pounded your senses like the dancing lights of a crime scene.

It is with this humble opening that I begin this series, as much in the interest of reviving actual writing on this blog as it is concentrated and gloriously pulp-free braggadocio. It is a tale not only of victory over seemingly insurmountable odds, but of triumph over impatience and a presumably agéd degradation of TV game dexterity. Consider it your very own chalice through which your person may be reborn, free to conquer those sand-blasted challenges that humbled your bygone years.

This… is Luster’s Quest.

Here’s a treat I’ve been meaning to scan for ages. It’s the very first picture I ever drew of Slamm Dunk! This may be the only time he’s been depicted doing what he actually is supposed to do: dunking criminals into sub-space.

Click to enlarge!
I don’t know what I like more, that he’s not even looking down, or that the basket is right at crotch level.

I may have left all of my manga back home in Louisville, but that didn’t stop this from growing atop my entertainment center in Hoboken like some cosmic spore over the last year or two.

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Can you spot your very favourite funny pages? Not pictured: Superhero comix and galactic Marvel mega-stories. They’re on another shelf because I live in a sardine can.

If you can’t get enough of me on the Internet (I mean, gosh, I know I update this blog way too frequently for you all to keep up with it), then perhaps you’re asking yourself, “What’s the latest haps on Luster in Print?”

First, I have to insist you all go pick up the latest issue of Otaku USA! Not only does it have lots of hot tamale articles, it’s our third anniversary! Some Luster content includes the always immaculate Games section I edit (my review du jour: Capcom’s Tatsunoko vs. Capcom), and a feature on the Air Gear anime, which is about incorrigible scamps rollerblading as if their very essence was fueled by playing way too much Jet Set Radio.

There are also lots of other great articles by people that aren’t me, but this is The Joseph Luster Report, not The Other People on the Internet Report or whatever.

If one magazine alone can’t satiate your lust for Luster, by all means pick up the latest issue of Sci Fi Magazine. You can read my all-Luster-most-of-the-time Games column therein, including reviews of Bayonetta, Dark Void and more. Even more action-packed, though, is my feature on the Prince of Persia movie. I talked to Jake Gyllenhaal, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Persia-creator Jordan Mechner to bring you the most sandswept satchel of big-budget boastfulness possible.

Don’t tell ya mama, but you can also probably find me writing about war gamez in each issue of Military Heritage and World War II History. For serious.

Go buy magazines before people decide it’s a “cool retro thing to do”!

Contents include (inside the smashable barrel): Reversible Mike Haggar/Magic Sword shirt, Final Fight cassette tape, two pins and a can of pink temporary hair color spray which is, as the inclusion of controversial goon Poison would imply, a trap.