Catmandoo-doo

Reading my friend Matthew’s latest blog inspired me to comment with a classic story of cat shit courtesy of Canaan & me (sort of like The King & I but sexier… and I’m the king since this is my fucking blog). I couldn’t let this pass without posting the story here, if not just for future generations to learn how to properly treat exchange students.

• • •

When my friend Canaan and I were freshmen in high school, he had a German exchange student living with him. On the eve of the homecoming dance, we decided it would be “funny” to put some cat shit in the front pocket of his clean cords (that’s some slang some of you squares might not get, so I’ll just say “pants” from here on out if I need to).

Incidentally, his sister had flown in from Deutschland to see him for a weekend, because he had been holed up with us playing X-Wing vs. Tie Fighter on Canaan’s PC for weeks; something that would turn most mortals into invalids instantaneously. As devious as we fancied ourselved, Canaan and I couldn’t have foreseen how fantastically that evening’s events would have turned out.

The rest of this story was relayed to us via his exchange student’s puttering profanities, because we were way too cool to be caught dead in some lame-ass dance, and were probably kicking cans or something equally rad with our gang of fellow “deviants.”

As it turns out, whilst dancing with his (hot) sister from “za muzzerland,” he reached his sweaty hands into his pockets, reluctantly and unexpectedly grabbing hold of two to three balls of shitty cat shit, which (and this is on Biblical Record) smells the worst of all shits.

He was horrified at this and, most eye-rollingly, felt betrayed by his American “compadres.” At a family meeting that night which was at his behest, he really spread it out on the table for us (not the shit itself, which might have actually been a manful form of revenge, but his disgust with our actions), declaring that, “Zees ees FUCK!”

Sure, it was fuck, you krazy kraut; It was fucking funny!