Destiny Waits in the Jungle

Super Contra or, as I knew it on the NES when I was wee, Super C (because the C-word was suddenly deemed very not legit) landed on the sexy 360 a little while ago and, despite all of the ghoulish voices shouting “No!” in my brain, I dove right in and gave Konami the 400 space bux that I had been sitting on for a while.

You’re probably jumping up and down like some uncultured savage right about now, screaming “Boogah Boogah Boogah,” which roughly translates to “But those arcade versions are teeeeerrible, Joseph!”

Konami, not content with only ripping off ALIENS.
It’s true, they can’t touch the intense eroticism of the NES ports in my opinion, but they’re ridiculously challenging and I’m a complete masochist for this kind of crap. The tough-as-a-Charleston-Chew award really goes to Super Contra, though, because it is a damn MONSTER. I used to be able to hold my own on Nintendo, but this sludge-borne animal has me licked by the third stage. It certainly doesn’t help that aiming in the direction you desire is a feat that even Zeus (as played by Tiny Lister) would find a confounding physical endurance test.

This screen makes the NES game look like fine art.

Cruel difficulty aside, Super Contra still has one of the most epic helicopter battles of all time, right there in the first stage! Expect this to fall somewhere on my future feature, The JLR Presents: The Top 10 TV Game Helicopter Throwdowns of All Time.

Addendum: if you play this game with the vomit-like “enhanced” graphics, you’re the son of a whore! Someone please remind me to scan in the incredible Nintendo Power Super C cover later, because I can’t find it on the internet.