Category: Comics

Comics

Retro Game Ads Rebirth: Alien Syndrome

by Joseph Luster5 Comments on Retro Game Ads Rebirth: Alien Syndrome

I want to start talking about awesome old-school video game adverts in here, but I’m going to kick off with something really new. The below ad is for Sega’s Alien Syndrome game on Wii; I scanned it in from the back of the latest EGM. Why did this catch my eye?


Computer-colored comic look aside, the ad is straight out of 1989. Though it doesn’t go my preferred route of browbeating the consumer into purchasing the game through big font humiliation, the top-running text is certified dynamic.

Indeed, friends, you have to earn that Nanobot-Swarm-Cannon! It would have been off the scales if it ended that exclamation by calling the reader a “bozo.”

Comics

Tales from Lucio Fulci’s Taint, Part One: Murder Rock

by Joseph Luster9 Comments on Tales from Lucio Fulci’s Taint, Part One: Murder Rock

A lot of Fulci fans would probably rather die than watch some of his later flicks, but here at The JLR we’re going to be reflecting on the real grimy filth, ignoring the wealth of gold. Today’s Specimen?

Murder Rock (1984)


AKA Dancing Death AKA Slashdance, but I think the latter is the most hilarious. What makes Murder Rock any worse than other Fulci horror? It was only a couple years before that he was pumping out classics, so why is this one so fucking boring? Even the director documentary on the second disc of Shriek Show’s DVD only mentions the movie in passing.

The premise is kind of rad, too. There’s a dance school that’s being stalked by a ruthless killer. The gimmick is that he shoves a hairpin into their tit until it reaches their heart. Sounds great, right? But Fulci was way too enamored with chicks doing that “running in place” jazzercise dance to build any suspense.


Enter: the detective– played by a haggard Cosimo Cinieri; chugging coffee and trying to decide which of the sleazoid suspects is doing the sticking. Cinieri looks, much like the aforementioned Fulci fans, like he’d rather die than be here.

The good shit you get for your scratch is a gang of titty shots, ridiculous 80s music by Keith Emerson, and enough “dirty dancing” to build up a nasty sweat. The bad shit, however, is innumerable.

Comics

THE GAME

by Joseph Luster3 Comments on THE GAME

Hello old friends, how long has it been? Because Your Master of the Internet, Joseph Luster, is indisposed at the moment you’ll be starting your day a little more handsome than usual.

Allow me to transport you back in time. Yesterday while serving time in my corporate prison, I found myself engaged in a brutal session of The Game. I’m sure you know it*. It had been years since I last played, but as any true student/teacher of this game, I slipped back into it like a priest’s finger into a child’s warm, innocent anus.

The Game began innocently enough – the first few circle spotting’s were met with giggles and delight. But as the day wore on punches became more viscous and sissies became more whiny. Debates were started over nearly every “get”. Was it a legal placement? Was it truly seen? Does the finger in the hole only negate the punch, or does it turn the tabe’s completely?

It was obvious that a hard and fast set of rules be enforced. Using the power of the Internet, and excellent resource for The Game was found. I present this to you here. Although ugly lesbians are used as demonstration models, it is a valuable document that I felt compelled to share with the JLR readership. Use it to enforce your moves, and hone your technique, or to jerk off to.

*If not, call your parents, ask them why they never loved you, then immediately kill yourself.