Category: Comics

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR A TOADALLY AWESOME POST, BROTHER!

I’ve been playing the hell out of Chikyuu Boeigun 2 since it came in the mail earlier today. All that I have to say about it is summed up perfectly by this one paragraph on NCSX’s page, the bold portion of which sums up video-gaming in one inquisitive sentence.

“As ants are killed and blown up, they’ll drop health power-ups, armor, and additional weaponry to pick up. What are they doing with such useful items? The ants attack by biting with their mandibles but a quick gamer may avoid their jaws by running underneath an ant or hiding near a tank or building.”

I’m disturbingly masochistic. I’ve been drinking wine and playing the Mega Man X Collection all night. For the uninformed, this is tantamount to front-flipping through glass with an ass-full of molotov cocktails.

I’m on the last boss of Mega Man X right now, which is the easiest title of the six on this disc. Fuck Sigma and his mutt. I reset it so I could come back to it later because it saves before each segment of his base, but I didn’t realize until I loaded it back up again that it makes you start at the beginning of the four stages once you’ve quit.

On the bright side, I completely forgot how awesome some of the boss names are. I’m convinced now that the best name for a band you could ever come up with is Boomer Kuwanger.

Joey Coco’s Top Five Tokusatsu Openings! I’m putting everything on the line with this list. I hope you trust me to bring you only the finest.

5) Super Robot Mach Baron

Mach Baron is most notable for how distracting it is from the show at hand. The opening almosts suggests that you should black out before the first act. You probably will.

4) Kaiketsu Zubat

Zubat is one of the first tokusatsu openings to really grab the viewer’s balls. The whip is almost a distraction to the coming onslaught of awesome.

3) Super Rescue Solbrain

Help! Help! Stop, that’s all you need to say about the early 90’s monster known as SOLBRAIN!

2) Space Sheriff Gavan

This is my favorite hero, so it’s no surprise that he would make my top opening list, right? Well, it’s not just Kenji Ohba’s charm that lands his spot in history. The waka-waka twangs and transformations combine to make one of the most legendary segments ever spliced together on film.

1) Honoo No Chôjin Megaloman

There’s not much to say here. The explosive musical opening might serve as a pre-punctuation, but Megaloman‘s mullet creates a time vortex that remains unrivaled. Thanks for checking these out. Post your own lists in the comments section if you like. Maybe I’ll post all five in the Joseph Luster Report! Also, there weren’t any sentai shows listed because that would just be unfair. Watch 4 seconds
of FIVEMAN’s OP and you’ll understand. Expect a sentai countdown soon, though!

I don’t have too much to say about X3. Okay, actually I have a lot, but I don’t know if I’ll bother! We went to the midnight screening for some reason, even though I knew it would be bad. Still, cheers to Brett Ratner for surpassing my expectations in the realm of craptitude. Oh, I drew a picture!

I wish we had downloaded this and watched it in a living room with some tall boys so we could loudly crack on every second of it. Picture the X-men spending god knows how long fighting a bunch of Z-list mutants that look like they were created as part of a fan contest and you’ve pretty much got the idea.

Can’t they at least pander to the nerds if they’re going to make a shitty movie? Throw in some insane, random fight with Omega Red or maybe, um, show other mutants aside from “Porcupine Douchebag” and “Guy with Tiny Ears That Can Hear Really Well.”

This movie is amazing in that I came in with my expectations resting on the bottom of the abyss and Ratner was like “Wait bro, there’s totally another abyss below that!”.

It will make a lot of money, though!