Well. That was certainly a “massacre.” For those of you lacking the balls of steel it takes to make it through this motion picture, I present to you the soul of Woodchipper Massacre in a succinct 7 frames.
Shhhhhhh… the movie’s starting.
THE END
Woodchipper Massacre Half-time Show
The youngest boy finally got his mail-order Rambo survival knife from the postman. After running inside with it, the wicked Aunt Tess proclaims that she “will not have a weapon of that caliber in this house!”
When all is said and done, there’s no way I’m going to be able to convey the essence of this movie in words. I’ll give you all a big ol’ picture parade, but I’m going to go ahead and refuse to write up this incredible specimen of shot-on-video, Casio scored glory. It’s like Bigwig Productions whisked The Artist Formerly Known as Kojiro Abe back in time and gave him a grand and too many light stands to make his magnum opus.
Woodchipper Massacre Pre-show
I’m about to explode. This has seriously been running in my DVD player for all of 13 seconds and I’m already dying to write about it. In fact, there haven’t even been any HUMAN BEINGS or CAMERA SHOTS on screen yet, but here I am.
The movie opens with some amazing VCR-quality teleprompter text that relays the following crucial message:
This year over 75,000 people were killed by family members in the United States. One in ten of these murders are never solved and written off as unexplained disappearances, due to the fact that bodies are never found and disposed of in most ingenious ways.
This is one such story.
Let that soak in for a bit while I press play and power through 90 minutes of a titillating 1989 classic.
It’s June 1st
The Wild Space Coyote from Beyond the Moon Howls— Heeding Its Call, the Hero Howls Back and Summons Winds that Take Jupiter for a Spin
It’s deadline crunch time, which, naturally, means I’m drinking Red Bull and making retarded Miis on my Wii in between sporadic bouts of mad writing. I wish there was some way for me to capture them off of the screen properly, because I made a pretty keen Mega Man and a decent Stacey Keach.
In other news, it’s now June, which means the new mag, Otaku USA, drops in a few days. I believe I mentioned it here before, but in case you guys forgot, you should go pick it up at your closest scummy book shop and read the words that flow from the pristine golden mind of myself and my compadres.
Expect more “JLR Exclusives” later today after I pass out and wake up from a slumber that will no doubt be filtered through the cut-out eyehole lenses of Kikaida and his closest friends.
subhumanzoids 