Category: Comics

At long last, it’s come to this. Wrestling is now, just as it always was in my dreams, a battle of kings for the love of their subjects. Behold, as King Booker, in the wake of the return of HHH (AKA “The King of Kings”) charges Jerry “The King” Lawler with treason for not planting his crown at his feet and bowing to his kingliness!

This is perhaps the most unapologetically lame and nerdy thing you’re bound to see today. Yes, it’s a video of me playing Super Contra! Within its savage walls, I show you gaming so raw that its musculature is left exposed to an arid post-apocalyptic climate.

I don’t know what you’ll enjoy more, the “kickin’ tunes” or the occasional sound of me tapping furiously on the X button!

Enemies in the Sky (YouTube)

Time to slap your wife and turn the TV off, because there’s a new RD on the streets! Pop it in, put on your headphones, and stay away from JoE’s house because he’s just going to make you kill roaches for him as he sobs in the corner!

Listen and Subscribe Here!

A curious obsession with Super Contra is creeping up on me. I have to conquer its evil terrains. I have to dig to the root of this alien menace and pull it out like a tainted radish. Tonight’s leap from the whirlybird rope took me further through the depths of level 3’s scorching jungle, wherein many truths were revealed.

If this doesn’t make you want to play, you might be dead!

Frogmen ambushed me from the canopy to the swamp, but probing more deeply brought the real enemy, aliens, out of hiding. At the end of their unforgiving gauntlet, a trap was sprung! I had haplessly strayed headfirst into a fiendish alien wall that spewed its babies forth like an extremely literal fountain of youth.

Their onslaught was too much for me, and so zapped was my final continue. If only I had a partner, just like the poster and cover art! But who would be so brave?

Update (1:35am): Damn, I wrecked the HECK out of some Super C tonight. While waiting for the eternal download known as the Bioshock demo, I made it to the last boss before I ultimately kicked the bucket. There just wasn’t any juice left in my poor soldier, but it felt great to truck through 95% of the game like some demonic, juiced-up tractor trailer of TV game vengeance.

You’d cheer too

Super Contra or, as I knew it on the NES when I was wee, Super C (because the C-word was suddenly deemed very not legit) landed on the sexy 360 a little while ago and, despite all of the ghoulish voices shouting “No!” in my brain, I dove right in and gave Konami the 400 space bux that I had been sitting on for a while.

You’re probably jumping up and down like some uncultured savage right about now, screaming “Boogah Boogah Boogah,” which roughly translates to “But those arcade versions are teeeeerrible, Joseph!”

Konami, not content with only ripping off ALIENS.
It’s true, they can’t touch the intense eroticism of the NES ports in my opinion, but they’re ridiculously challenging and I’m a complete masochist for this kind of crap. The tough-as-a-Charleston-Chew award really goes to Super Contra, though, because it is a damn MONSTER. I used to be able to hold my own on Nintendo, but this sludge-borne animal has me licked by the third stage. It certainly doesn’t help that aiming in the direction you desire is a feat that even Zeus (as played by Tiny Lister) would find a confounding physical endurance test.

This screen makes the NES game look like fine art.

Cruel difficulty aside, Super Contra still has one of the most epic helicopter battles of all time, right there in the first stage! Expect this to fall somewhere on my future feature, The JLR Presents: The Top 10 TV Game Helicopter Throwdowns of All Time.

Addendum: if you play this game with the vomit-like “enhanced” graphics, you’re the son of a whore! Someone please remind me to scan in the incredible Nintendo Power Super C cover later, because I can’t find it on the internet.