So I have to direct you all to the fresh-as-a-baby’s-buttocks blog of Brandon Fincher, the legendary voice that can also be heard on the weekly Robotronic Dynamite podcast. In true point/counter-point fashion, he’s pitting some goodniks against my burgeoning bestiary.
Put it in your bookmarks, google reader, or whatever other virtual knapsack you use to traverse the internet!
Alright, here’s how this works, guys. I spend an entire week posting about nothing but video game bosses and, as in any awesome game, you get to play, too! Let me know what you want to read about and what your favorite bosses are; you can even contribute your own sexy entry by emailing something to me (contact link is on the sidebar)!
Bosses are of major importance to the structure of video games. In fact, I say a game is borderline worthless if there aren’t boss battles. What’s the point? What kind of fool didn’t leave a giant guard to defend entry into the next area of the game? Developers know this well, which is why, for instance, they spent time adding more bosses in God of War 2– there weren’t enough in the first!
This week we’ll be diving in this crucial aspect of the game world like Captain N! I leave you with some images with which you can celebrate the mother(brain) of all 16-bit boss fests: Super Metroid!
*Bosses not to scale
Though I thought it to be true eventually, I’m super excited to see confirmation of a sequel to one of my very favorite game cassettes! Why do I like this game? Hell, this is the Joseph Luster Report, so I might as well pull-quote my ding dong self!
From my Got Next review:
“The beauty of depending on your environment’s stock is found in the combat system. While guns are sporadically placed and found on enemies throughout, you’ll never see loose ammo, so you better check the clips and use each bullet wisely. This is mostly an excuse to exercise your skill in the meat and potatoes of Condemned: melee fighting. Ethan can tear pipes off of walls, lift loose locker doors, and slice with paper cutter blades; and this is just scratching the surface.“
“Condemned is exhausting, regardless of whether you’re fending off homeless lunatics or just nervously roaming claustrophobic passageways with your finger twitching on the right trigger. Thanks to a consistent atmosphere of desperation and dread, the game is almost at its best when nothing is happening at all. The sound design, especially if you have a nice surround set-up, is about as eerie as it gets; a feature that pairs perfectly with the disgustingly gorgeous visuals.“
You know what really burns my biscuits?
All this Final Fantasy anniversary bullshit. Square Enix is about as big a bunch of crooks as you’re likely to meet this side of EA. As if their reluctance to put anything up on the Virtual Console wasn’t bad enough, now they’re doing one of those FFIII-style 3D remakes of FFIV. I know the games are adored by millions, and heck, I dabble myself, but at a certain point you’re just preying on the vacant minds of your fans.
I shouldn’t even be dogging SE about it, though– they’re just running a business in the way that every RPG nerd in the world lets them do it.
Speaking of games, who wants to talk about awesome bosses here? I think I’ll declare Midnight tonight through Midnight next Thursday BOSS WEEK on The JLR. Stay tuned.
Scenes 1 and 2: Written by Patrick Sanders & Joseph Luster.
©1998 Bigwig Productions • BW-Video. All rights reserved
INT. HOTEL IN BERLIN – DAY
The Annihilator (Bahn Von Johnsonite) walks into lobby. He’s a massive bodybuilder cop that speaks in an exaggerated Austrian accent.
BAHN
(to receptionist)
Hey, I’ve gotta drop a rotten fucking boulder, where’s yer crapper?RECEPTIONIST
Vell, I never! Ees at end of hall, left.BAHN
Good, this is gonna be one hell of a dump!
INT. HOTEL BATHROOM – DAY
Bahn steps in and sniffs the air.
BAHN
(sniffing hard)
That doesn’t smell like goodguy shit.
In a stall nearby, a badguy talks on a cellphone.
BADGUY ONE
Hey, Rulio. You got all that cocaine that I’m gonna buy illegally from you using government money?
Bahn sits down for a smash and listens intently while crapping loudly.
BADGUY ONE
Yo, some cum-guzzling faggot is takin’ a mad smash next to me. I bet he’s black! Mexican? No way…alright, 50 bucks, yer on!
Bahn gets infuriated and busts through his stall with shit dripping.
BAHN
The only thing that pisses me off more than my unwiped ass is cokeheads like you!BADGUY ONE
Oh shit! It’s him!!
Cut to black as the badguy screams, the title FROM AUSTRIA WITH HATE slams onto the screen and some wild music plays.
Credits roll and it cuts back and forth between scenes of Bahn beating up the badguy and random city shots.
Then back to Bahn in the bathroom.
Bahn throws a turd at the badguy.
BAHN
Shalom, shithead!
Then he kicks him twice in the gut.
BAHN
(shoving poop in Badguy’s mouth)
Eat shit, maggot!
Finally, Bahn puts Badguy’s face in the toilet and flushes.
BAHN
(clapping)
Crap on, crap off, the crapper!
INT. LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT – AFTERNOON
Chief Chiefton sits at his desk, absolutely furious.
CHIEF
Johnsonite!!
He holds a newspaper. The Headline reads
CRAPPY CRIMINAL GETS THE FLUSH
Bahn walks in, pleased with his work.
BAHN
What’s wrong, Chief, did I do a shitty job? Ha ha!CHIEF
We can’t keep gettin’ this kind of press, Bahn! Yer makin’ us look like unprofessional boobs.BAHN
And that’s all she wrote.CHIEF
Are you even listening?BAHN
Ja, boobs and such.CHIEF
Arrrgh, yer hopeless. Screw it. I got an assignment for your ass. If you screw this up, your badge is gone! Along with you, Johnsonite.
The Chief hands him some papers.
BAHN
Yes, ma’am.
Bahn walks out laughing. he looks at the paper and laughs even more.
BAHN
Piece of cake, motherfucker.
subhumanzoids 